Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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