fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
