You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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