his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize
