When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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