i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
