We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize