I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
