Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
