yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
im holly from the hills drunk
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
