mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
