I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
