sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
