you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
