cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
