Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
