I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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