Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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