So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
i think my cat just said my name.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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