i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Randomize
