shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
