i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
