we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
