Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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