On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
