i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
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