Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
So gin and wine won't be happening again
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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