i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
