im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I'm passing your future prison.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
