i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
