Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
