not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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