I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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