The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
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