There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Randomize