I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
