How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
