you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
