WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
