So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
