shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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