Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
