you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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