I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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