Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
