His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
