This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
