I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
