I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
