Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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