I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
