I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
