I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
