I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
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