I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
