I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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