you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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