i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
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